Tuesday, August 5, 2008

THE TOP 10 MOST ROCKIN' SONGS ABOUT THE LEAST ROCKIN' SUBJECTS

What? Another damn list before Friday? What's the damn point of callin' the site Friday Night Lists if you keep putting up lists on damn different days? Damn! Ok, ok, I hear you... but the idea is simple: content! Oh sure, I love adding tidbits to the sidebar but it's just not quite the same. Don't worry, you'll still get your regularly-scheduled list, it's just that I sort of felt like doing one tonight. Got a problem with that? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Oh, right, the subject. Sorry, I got a bit carried away back there. Anyway, it's about those really kick-ass tunes about really lame subjects. There are so many killer songs that get wedged in our heads with subject matter so dumb that you have to second guess why you like the stupid tune in the first place. then you remember: They RAWK!

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10) THE ROLLING STONES: BROWN SUGAR






So, Mick and the boys decide to go writing a ditty about the molasses-imbued baking ingredient and somehow expected the public to buy into it? What? This song isn't about that most innocuous of sweeteners only kept around for cookies and homemade barbecue sauce? You say it's about sex with whom? Oh, oh now I see... my goodness!



9) TED NUGENT: FRED BEAR






Fred Bear sounds like it ought to be about some cuddly little fuzz ball and best friend to Pooh and Paddington. And, just by saying that I have likely incurred the wrath of Michigan's (yay) own Motor City Madman and all-round psycho nut-bar, Ted "The Nuge" Nugent who could, with just a whittling knife and his own teeth, rip me to shreds. Great song, seriously!



8) PRIMUS: SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF





Hey, look! It's another of those ever-popular 'double-entendre' songs everyone's so damn crazy about! And who better to bring it to you than arguably the greatest bassist on Earth, Les Claypool and the fellas from Primus! Oh, did you know that shaking hands with beef is a euphemism for a handjob? Oh, I guess I mentioned that. Primus knows how to be coy... and really cool, too.



7) THE WHO: SQUEEZE BOX





An incredibly lame title for one of The Who's greatest songs of all time. From The Who By Numbers, Squeeze Box sounds incredibly filthy and, chances are, it probably is. But still, you typically see songs titled Squeeze Box by performers like Lawrence Welk, ie: shitty performers. But The Who, well that's just classy.



6) REM: STAND





Like it or not, Michael, Mike, Peter, and Bill wrote a catchy-ass tune about perhaps the most boring of human inactivity: Standing. The Green album, though containing the dog-rotten hunk of crap, Shiny, Happy, People, was still really cool and gave REM that little boost it needed to get into more proggy-type rock. Also, Weird Al parodied this song fantastically with his 'Spam'. Nice.



5) THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: PEACHES





Fruit is notoriously a really stupid theme for a song. I bet you can't name ONE decent song from any era featuring fruit as the subject matter. Blueberry Hill? Nope, lousy. Raspberry Beret? Meh. However, sticking with the Peaches idea, one can make an argument for Peaches En Regalia by Zappa. That, and this are about it.



4) CREAM: WHITE ROOM





Not having Clapton in any of his incarnations on a music list is like leaving The Love Boat off lists about cruise ships: a bad, BAD idea. Here we see Jack, Ginger, and the aforementioned Eric doing their famous tune about a bland, lifeless space. Nothing screams unimaginative like am unpainted and colorless living space. In any other case, I mean. Of course.



3) WEEZER: THE SWEATER SONG





I wrote a song called My Pants one time... yeah, no one liked it very much. So the, I went out and performed a tune called The T-Shirt Song. Yep, nobody dug on that shitty ditty either. So, along comes Rivers Cuomo and the Weezer guys and throws this Sweater Song out there and WHAM! Instant stars. I shoulda known.



2) NIRVANA: SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT





"Load all pop-guns, bring your friends" indeed. Had it not been for this song titled after a dumb deodorant spray from a little band from Seattle, we'd all still be listening to 80's ass rock and society as a whole would have crumbled into the abyss. I vividly recall, after purchasing Bleach as a suggestion from a very good pal of mine while in high school, rushing directly to our local record shop and dropping the ducats for Nevermind and my life was never again the same. Thank you Kurt, Chris, and David... thank you.



1) RONNIE JAMES DIO: RAINBOW IN THE DARK





Songs about rainbows are typically reserved for Muppets and the like. In fact, images, pictures, and the mere mention of rainbows most often screams something far less than masculinity. Now, toss Dio in the mix; that hard-rockin', ass-ugly music destroyer and you've really got something. Yes, this song kicks all kinds of ass and is poised at number one for a very good reason: as it turns out, rainbows CAN be cool! Who knew?






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