THE TOP 10 MST3K SHORTS (PART I)

Aside from the obvious 'just-plain-cool' factor of Joel or Mike along with Crow and Tom making fun of some of cinema's worst film efforts of all time, there were the wonderfully goofy 'Shorts' from the 40's and 50's that accompanied many of the crews movies. I am an ENORMOUS Mystie fan (#1368 in the Mystie Fan Club, fool!) with each and every available episode on DVD (and even several *ahem* not yet available, if you catch my meaning), and i have seen every single short at least half-a-dozen times. This is the very reason why this list has got to be a Part I: there are just far too many to whittle them down into just ten. Twenty, maybe, and so the sequel will appear in a future list. Anyway, here are the first ten...



SPRING FEVER (From Ep: 1012 - SQUIRM)





"Spring loving BASTARD!"




9) POSTURE PALS (From Ep: 320 - THE UNEARTHLY)









"First Down and Goal to Go!"

"Tommy drew a bong!"

"Alright honey, I'm going to kill this tree if you don't stand up straight."

"Your body is like a growing tree"-"With dutch elm disease"




8) HIRED! (From Ep: 423 - BRIDE OF THE MONSTER)







'So... time for booze!'

'Maybe I shouldn't have dressed as the Angel of Death...'

'...But I don't have a car... HEY! Wait!...'




7) A DATE WITH YOUR FAMILY (From Ep: 602 - INVASION U.S.A.)








"Brother has a tight, psychological grip on junior"

"Let's go to the flow chart for this"

"Emotions are for ethnic people"




6) ALPHABET ANTICS (From Ep: 306 - DADDY-O)






'You VILL dance for me, Eva!'




5) JOHNNY AT THE FAIR (From Ep: 419 - THE REBEL SET)

Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.

Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.

Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.

Joel: Simulated culture like Disneyland.

---

Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."

Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!

---

Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".

Joel: Oh, we've all been there.

---

[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]

Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

---

[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]

Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.

Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

4) THE CHICKEN OF TOMORROW 1 & 2 (From Ep: 702 - THE BRUTE MAN)

[Over the short's title screen.]

Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!

Servo: The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!

---

Narrator: But wait a minute, you may be saying...

Crow: Why am I watching this?

Narrator: Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three?

Servo: You bet!

Narrator: Indeed they can!

Servo [surprised]: ...Heh, I was right!

---

[As a truck carrying baby chicks drives as the scene fades.]

Mike: That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken!

[the next scene fades in]

Crow: Chickens!

3) KEEPING CLEAN & NEAT (From Ep: 613 - THE SINISTER URGE)

[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]

Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.

---

[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]

Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush — at least 100 strokes.

Mike [as Narrator]: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!

2) A DAY AT THE FAIR (From Ep: 608 - CODE NAME DIAMOND HEAD)

[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]

Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.

Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!

---

[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair.]

Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!

Crow: (confused) What, tinsel, little lights?

---

[A lady's judging a cake.]

Narrator: First, she feels the cake...

Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair!

1) WHY STUDY THE INDUSTRIAL ARTS? (From Ep: 609 - THE SKYDIVERS)

[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]

Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.

Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] … then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood…

Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust…

Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!

Joe: … the bright glare of a welder…

Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!

Servo [as Joe]: Yes!

Joe: … the sharp whine of the power tools…

Mike [as Joe]: … the piercing scream of a freshman…

Joe: … or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.

Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap… I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!

Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!

Joe: … A wrench …

Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!

Joe:…A plane…

Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends!

Joe:…or a chisel…

Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?

Mike: No, no, chisels!

THE TOP 10 FICTIONAL CEREALS

Hey! It's Friday again... right? Or, Tuesday. You know, when a good list idea pops into your head, you just can't deny its tractor-beam-like pull and you just have to give in. So, as I was sittin' here yesterday arbitrarily wandering through some web sites muttering to myself about the poor state of candy these days, when it dawned on me that I really ought to do another cereal list! Then, it became apparent that I had pretty much clobbered that horse to a bloody pulp... or had I? Nope (to answer my own question), I hadn't. In fact, it seems that there are a plethora of phony cereals from television shows, movies, comics, and various other media ripe for the picking! So, I located ten, and I was off and running. Enjoy!


@_@ @_@ @_@ @_@ @_@



10) GREAT WHITE BITES - PLANET TERROR





Yeah, I have no picture or video for this one which is a crying shame since it's such a great scene in the Rodriguez-half of the movie. The little boy, who (*SPOILER*) dies later in the film, is shown munching down on this cereal just before both of his parents go ape-shit for vastly different reasons. Great flick. Oh, it was a blue box with a giant shark on the front.




9) OAT BOATS -FULL HOUSE







I believe the clip says it all, but just in case you don't recall: DJ and Steph have an argument over who will ultimately star in the 'Oat Boats' TV ad. Ah, classic Full House... is anything more depressing? No.




8) ADMIRAL CRUNCH & ARCHDUKE CHOCULA - FUTURAMA









From Episode 2: 'The Series has Landed', Fry is still a bit shaken after his arrival in the year 3001 and is caught off guard by the newer styles of his favorite cereal brands that Leela introduces him to.



7) QUARRY - SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE






Well, it seems old SNL skits are nearly impossible to find on YouTube or the like, and that sucks a whole basket of ass. Well, regardless, I found a few pic's of this classic commercial parody. Oh, and here's the transcript:

Jingle: "This world's a-changing faster than a teardrop turns to laughter
But some things never change, and they're the things that really matter.
Like weather vanes and country lanes, where crickets chirp at night
And breakfast in the early morning starts your day off right."

[ cut to interior farmhouse kitchen table, breakfast time ]

Farmwife: Out here on the farm, breakfast is our most important meal. That's why we start each day the natural way. With a big brimming bowl.. of Quarry. [ shows product ]

[ family members pour the rocks from the box into their bowls ]

Farmwife: Quarry contains no preservatives, no additives, no artificial flavoring. And it's made without the use of pesticides or inorganic fertilizer. Because Quarry isn't grown; it's mined. It's the only cereal that's pure 100% rocks and pebbles, for a hearty old-fashioned flavor the whole family will enjoy.

[ flash cuts of family "chewing" on the rocks in their bowls ]

Son: Great, Mom!

Farmer: This is really good.

Daughter: Delicious!

Farmwife: And it's good for them. Because every serving is chockful of minerals.

Daughter: I like Quarry 'cause it's crunchy.

Farmwife: What?

Daughter: [ louder ] I said, I like Quarry 'cause it's crunchy!

Farmwife: So, if breakfast is important to you, try Quarry.

Jingle: "Like swimmin' holes and brimmin' bowls
of cereal made from stone.

Announcer: Quarry. Better tasting 'cause it's mined.





6) KRUSTY O'S - THE SIMPSONS





Krusty-O's is a brand of breakfast cereal endorsed by Krusty the Clown which prominently features his likeness on the box. The real KrustyO's, sold by 7 Eleven, were produced by the Malt-O-Meal corporation. Krusty-Brand Cereal is the catalyst for the episode "'Round Springfield", when Bart swallows a "jagged metal Krusty-O" included in the box as a premium and is sent to the hospital. Later in the episode when Krusty holds a press conference to show that swallowing the jagged metal Krusty-O isn't dangerous, he immediately begins to gag before he is informed he swallowed a "regular" Krusty-O, which he claims must be "poison". At the end of the episode, another box of Krusty-O's is shown with the promotion: "Flesh-Eating Bacteria In Every Box!"




5) SUGAR FROSTED MILK - REN AND STIMPY

Ren & Stimpy - Sugar Frosted Milk | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Ah yes, classic Ren and Stimpy. Oh sure, I could have gone with Powdered Toast Man, but I was always partial to this wacky ad. I love when the six or seven cereal bits drown in the lumps with screams of agony. Too funny.




4) CHOCOLATE FROSTED SUGAR BOMBS - CALVIN AND HOBBES






Many a strip from Bill Waterson's eponymous strip focused on what was in and could potentially be earned with the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Sickeningly sweet yet somehow full of fortified vitamins. Calvin managed to earn a beanie, which he promptly broke followed immediately by getting bored with for its lack of flying ability.



3) NIGGA PLEASE CEREAL - THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW






I do believe even trying to comment on this could possibly get me into serious trouble. So just watch, and laugh while looking around just to make sure it's OK.




2) COLON BLOW - SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE





Oh yes, another of the classic SNL ad skits. I happen to like this one better than Quarry, possibly because Phil Hartman does it so damn deadpan. Either way, here's the transcript:

Announcer: Hold it! Is that what you’re having for breakfast?

Man: Sure, haven't you heard? Fiber is really good for you.

Announcer: Well, there's fiber, and then there's high fiber. Try this.

[ offstage hands replace cereal box with Colon Blow cereal box ]

Man: Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?

Announcer: Take a guess: How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Man: Two?

Announcer: Guess again.

Man: Three?

Announcer: A little higher.

Man: Four?

Announcer: Keep trying.

Man: Five?

Announcer: No, you'll have to do better than that.

Man: Seven?

Announcer: Guess again.

Man: Eight?

Announcer: We'll give you one more guess.

Man: Nine.

Announcer: Not even close. [ table starts shaking ] It would take over 30,000 bowls. [ a giant pyramid of cereal bowls shoots up from under the man, who yells in terror as it rises ] To eat that much oat bran, you'd have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.

Man: [ after the pyramid settles; shouts from afar ] Wow! I think I get the picture! Colon Blow must be the highest fiber cereal the market!

Announcer: Not any more, now that there's new Super Colon Blow.

Man: Super Colon Blow?

[ pyramid rises even higher with the man screaming ]

Announcer: It would take over two and a half million bowls of your oat bran cereal to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.

[ pyramid settles ]

Man: [ overwhelmed ]I'm convinced! [ looks down the pyramid in panic ]

[ cut to close-up of bowl with Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow boxes ]

Jingle: "Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning"

Announcer: Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.

Voiceover: Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.

[ fade to black ]




1) WILD REBELS CEREAL - MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000







Obscure? Yup. Does this mean you all should have been instant fans of this classic, amazing, colossal show? Damn right. Worth being number 1? Do you even have to ask?