THE TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER

Well, the proverbial 'Most Wonderful Time Of The Year' has come to a screeching halt. And as I stand back and survey the collected sundry of once-wrapped detritus, I sigh once again at the amazement of my family's survival (well, my wife and I anyway) of five separate but equal Christmases. But now, as all good things' ultimate fate: it has come to an end. And yet, I must pause and reflect at many reasons aside from Christmas survival as a whole that mark the demise of yet another successful gift giving season.

10) TV CHRISTMAS SPECIALS AND 24-HOUR RADIO MUSIC BLOCKS CEASE TO EXIST

Finally, after months of 'The Grinch', 'The Santa Claus', 'Jingle Bells', and 'All I Want For Christmas', the specials have crawled back into their holly-jolly crypts for another year. Sure, those straggler commercials and ads for Holiday crap still hang on tenuously for another week or so, but for the most part, we can breathe a collective sigh of relief of not having to watch another showing of 'Scrooged'.

9) I DON'T THINK WE GOT THIS MUCH CANDY ON HALLOWEEN

If your families are anything like mine, you're already swimming in red-and-green chocolates, candy canes in a plethora of fruit flavors, and enough Holiday cookies to choke a horse. Now add in the possibility that you, like me, have half a half dozen of children with each of them receiving a basket-load of sweets and you've got enough goodies to cover you till next Christmas! Minty!

8) SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED AND BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED

No, I am not referring to film titles here, but rather the fact that all of those cool toys I alerted the cornucopia of relations to add to their masses of holiday lists now have to be put together. Don't get me wrong, I love sitting down with my son and building his LEGO sets. However, when he has the attention span of a measuring cup, it more or less boils down to me making his castle and battle ships. And then he asks me to play. Oh could I?

7) TIS THE SEASON FOR THE MENAGERIE OF COLLEGE BOWL GAMES

You know it's the post-Christmas Bowl Week when every lame-titled BCS match-up is rolling non-stop on ESPN. I'm relatively certain that the only remaining titles unused are Salad Bowl and Toilet Bowl. Be that as it may -since I'm watching the Alamo Bowl as I write this- I really enjoy each and all as I am a huge College Football fan. Oh, and unless you're from my particular chunk of South West Michigan, you will be unable to catch my Western Michigan Broncos in the Texas Bowl tomorrow, so HA HA!

6) THAT MAY VERY WELL BE THE MOST HIDEOUS SWEATER ON THE PLANET

I'm so glad that my grandmother not only doesn't read my blog, but couldn't successfully operate a computer at gunpoint, because she bought my wife perhaps the most God Awful sweater set since the invention of yarn. Now, this presents two major problems. First off, it's way to big as my hot hot hotty wife is not even close to this size. Secondly, it looks as though my grandmother bought it for herself and just thought, perhaps under the influence of liquor, that my wife ought to have it instead... if you understand my meaning. Now I'm not saying all this to sound mean, but really... just look at the picture. Yeesh!

5) SO WHERE DID YOUR TRANSFORMER'S ARM GO?

I'll freely cop to the fact that I am guilty as heck for causing this problem. Our children got many toys from many people that are basically constructed from individual bits of loose plastic and once they're played with for five seconds those tiny bits go launching off in various directions forever lost to the universe. I can practically guarantee you that we'll never see that LEGO guy's helmet or Starscream's shoulder for the rest of our lives.

4) I WISH CHRISTMAS TREES WERE MORE LIKE UMBRELLAS...

Once the first of the year rolls around next week, it's going to finally be time to gather up and hide away all of this nauseating Christmas shit for another 350 days. Isn't it amazing how, at first, decorating your home with enough Holiday cheer to gag Santa himself seems like such a great idea, but one day after Christmas you want nothing more than to set it all on fire in an effigy on your front lawn?

3) ONCE AGAIN IT'S TIME TO PROMISE YOURSELF SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER DO

Many people try to come up with some way to better themselves for the coming year by resolving to do or not to do something. Gonna quit smoking? Need to lose fifteen pounds by March? Want to stop eating mayonnaise right from the jar? Well, then it's time for your New Year's Resolution. However don't be too surprised if you're still sucking down Camels come April.

2) I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE END OF JANUARY

The post-holiday blues have nothing on the fact that tax time is creeping up really soon. I happen to enjoy this time of year since the family always ends up with a few thousand dollars we can always use to pay bills. And by 'pat bills' I of course mean buy a whole bunch of shit we don't necessarily need. Yay Government money!

1) LIVING IN MICHIGAN AFTER CHRISTMAS MAKES ONE REMEMBER THAT WINTER HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN

Though the first day of winter last week comes and goes as meaningless for the lower half of the map, for us here in the Great White North, it's more of a harbinger of the arctic days to come. We got absolutely pounded with snow just before the Holiday and then, this past Saturday, it hit 60 here and melted everything flooding the city with dirty slush and drowning snowmen. But, as we here all know, that was only a warning: winter here clings firmly till about April. Good thing I bought a shovel.

THE TOP 10 WAYS TO SAY...

Well, fans, you have oficially given me an amazing little Christmas gift and that is the achievement of 130,000 page visits! I could not be happier that such a half-assed little list blog could reach such staggering heights! So, in honor of the Holiday, here's my little message to all fo you!

10: JOYOUS NOEL

9: HAPPY HOLIDAYS

8: A BLESSED SEASON

7: FELIZ NAVIDAD

6: HAPPY CHRISTMAS

5: BEST WISHES FOR A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR

4: ALL THE BEST TO YOU AND YOURS

3: A LOVELY HOLIDAY SEASON

2: PEACE ON EARTH

1: MERRY CHRISTMAS

*** HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY WITH YOUR FAMILIES! SEE YA ON DECEMBER 29TH! ***

THE TOP 15 LISTS FROM AROUND THE WEB

Okay, so here's my perfectly viable excuse as to why I'm doing a list about lists: I have a crappy cold with a ear so solidly plugged it feels like a wad of Silly Putty's been wedged in there. So, the greatest portion of my time, aside from the typical Christmas and a trilogy of children, is fucking around with this ridiculous ear and feeding it whatever type of meds I can cram in there relatively safely. Anyway, that aside, I still felt like I ought to do a fun list and so, I thought, what the heck, why not give some big ups to those other folks out there doing the good work by listing everything under the sun. So sit back and enjoy the work others have done. Oh, and lest you believe this list has no Christmasy connotations, just check out the top few and 'Yule' see. Get it? Ho ho!

15) THE TOP 12 EVIL ROBOTS FROM WESTWORLD.COM

-- Robots are generally really cool, unless their either severely annoying or else completely evil. This list happens to cover the latter. Here's the link: EVIL EVIL BOTS. --

14) SIX DISCOVERIES THAT HAVE BAFFLED THE SHIT OUT OF SCIENTISTS

-- Science is great! Those cats can explain everything in a nice, neat nut-shell! No, wait. They can't. EVER. So, to prove that point, here's SIX NASTY UNEXPLAINED STUFF. Yes, that's the sentence I'm going with. --

13) TOP HOTTIES IN VIDEO GAME LAND FROM 2008

-- Decent video games without even a glimpse of a hot chick are almost unheard of, so, it had to pretty damn difficult to narrow it down to a concise list. But here it is, in ALL ITS HOTNESS. --

12) AH NOSTALGIA! HOW ABOUT 20 VIDEO GAME ADS? COOL!

-- Relive just a little bit of your childhood (well, provided your at least thirty) with these really awesome and slightly disturbing video game commercials from yesteryear. FOLLOW THE LINK TO MEMORY LANE. --

11) BEER. THAT IS ALL.

-- I love me some beer and I love me some of it as often as I can get it. So, it's always nice to find out a little bit of interesting info on a few unusual beers I'll likely never taste. And that is sad. THIS WAY TO BEER TOWN. --

10) DUUUUUUDE, LET'S GET HIGH... OFF OF THESE WEIRD THINGS.

-- Now I'm not one to purposely get baked off of anything illegal (anymore) but it is nice to know that those folks out there looking to avoid Johnny Law can get their noggins tweaked off THESE PERFECTLY LEGAL SUBSTANCES. --

9) LET'S COOK!

-- I love the Food Tv. I'll spend hours just watching Alton, Giada, Tyler, and all those other food-fixin' freaks and that's the very reason why seeing screwed up moments like these is just so funny! GET YOUR COOK ON! --

8) SOME REALLY REALLY DISTURBING HORROR FLICK MOMENTS

-- Yes, I can see how that title could appear as an oxymoron, but I assure, it isn't. Horror movies in general contain a bunch of fucked up scenes, but THESE SCENES ARE ESPECIALLY BIZARRE. --

7) MIA: THESE LONG GONE CONFECTIONS

-- Many of us grew up on the sweet stuff. It made little difference whether or not our parents allowed candy or not, we'd find ways to get ahold of the stuff. Relive those bygone days with THESE CANDIES GONE AWOL. --

6) COME ON DOWN!

-- Back when many of these awesome game shows were created, it wasn't even fathomed that we'd, one day, have a dedicated Game Show Network, and yet, they were still cool. SPIN THE WHEEL RIGHT HERE. --

5) ONE HUNDRED OF THE GREATEST MOVIE POSTERS OF ALL TIME

-- Though a hundred seems excessive, this collection really does show off the wide variety of the best film prints ever and many are quite obscure. CHECK THEM OUT RIGHT HERE. --

4) THE MOST EVIL IN SCI-FI SANTAS

-- You read it right, and it's just that simple: SCIENCE FICTION SANTAS OF DOOM! --

3) THE CREEPIEST SANTA DISPLAYS EVER

-- More Santa! This time we're offered displays and the mall variety looking like they crawled out of some bizarre King novel. SANTA CLAUSE IS CREEPING TO TOWN. --

2) AND NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME SEXY SANTAS!

-- Don't worry, we're not talking Brokeback Chippendales here, this is, after all, a family site. Conversely, we're talking hot, hot chicks in Santy get-up's! HURRAY FOR SANTA BOOBIES! --

1) THE MOST BIZARRE CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS AROUND

-- Though the wacked out concept of Christmas and its Santas and sleighs and decorated trees is, in and of itself, a pretty messed up tradition, this list makes our holiday look like, well, Christmas. GET A LITTLE SCARED RIGHT HERE. --

THE TOP 10 FUNNIEST CHRISTMAS SONGS

Now, for the official FINAL Christmas song for the year, it's: THIS ONE! Now, there has to be something said about the difference between being silly and stupid for silly and stupid's sake and the simple fact that you just wrote a stupid SERIOUS song and didn't even know it. These songs were written and recorded with the intent for Yuletide hilarity, and that's exactly what you get. From the classics to the modern, you can't help but feel the Holiday cheer, or roll your eyes in contempt. Either way, enjoy!

10) ADAM SANDLER - THE HANUKKAH SONG

** When this song first came out on SNL a couple 10 years ago, it was hilarious. Now, since it's been played to the point of insanity and has spawned 2 lesser sequels, it's mostly just annoying. Just pretend it's 1998, okay? **

9) SEAN MOREY - DEAR SANTA

** Not exactly the funniest piece of Christmas Carol on the planet, but it's still pretty humorous. Sean Morey is a regular on The Bob and Tom Show and this was recorded there. Share with your friends! **

8) THE ELECTRIC AMISH - A VERY AMISH CHRISTMAS

** This sounds a bit like Da Yoopers, and I suppose it's entirely possible that it is but just under a different name. It is pretty funny, but not as much as Weird Al's Amish Paradise, as Amish themed songs go, that is. **

7) GAYLA PEEVEY - I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS

** I'm sorry, but I love this song. From the sweet innocence of this then-7-year-old's voice, to the child-like desire for the impossible; it's such a great holiday song that never looses its sweet charm. That sugary enough for ya? **

6) BOB RIVERS - WALKIN' ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR

** This hysterical parody of the Christmas classic, Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland is done so dead-on serious that it's just that much more perfect. The video is lovely, as well. **

5) BOB RIVERS - THE TWELVE PAINS OF CHRISTMAS

** I remember hearing this song about fifteen years ago on this cassette that my grandmother had that she used to dig out on Christmas. I still think it's a riot because it reminds me so much of the holiday. **

4) THE IRISH ROVERS - GRAMMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

** Classic. This funny Christmas song has been around since the dawn of time originally done by Elmo and Patsy. I like this version. That is all. **

3) THURL RAVENSCROFT - YOU'RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH

** Screw you with a brick, Jim Carrey, this is the one and only version of this song. Period. I have spoken. Or, more to the point, Thurl has spoken. **

2) WEIRD AL YANKOVIC - THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY

** I have been a die-hard follower of Weird Al since back when you could become a 'Close Personal' friend of Al by mail. This Christmas parody is off the Bad Hair Day album featuring that Amish Paradise ditty I mentioned earlier. So go get it already! **

1) WEIRD AL YANKOVIC - CHRISTMAS AT GROUND ZERO

** Okay, so... um. Well, exactly the same as above except for the fact that this is off the Polka Party album and you'll likely never hear this or the former on radio... for obvious reasons. People are stupid. **

THE TOP 12 BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS

Nope, not even beating around the bush on that one, huh? Look: I have been listening to Christmas music for the better part of 34 years and I do, by my own personal empowerment, consider myself something of an expert on the subject. So, I proved myself worthy by posting the top 12 worst Christmas songs a few lists ago and I garnered quite a comment collection, so, with that, I figured I might as well use my powers for good this time and choose a list of the best. This list has such a wide variety of music styles as well as the type of the Christmas music itself. Some are traditional, some are Christian, and some are just plain variations on a theme. Above and beyond that, some of the artists I've chosen are really no contests as anyone else who may have performed said song just didn't do nearly as good a job. And finally, to quell those of you who might disagree with my original choice, I have included the second best version of each song as well, only you'll have to do the work and find it for yourselves. Okay, sing along won't you?

12) JINGLE BELL ROCK - HALL AND OATES

** As much as I believe John Oates was raised in a tree by elves, he still knows how to rock. Especially along with his partner, Daryl Hall. The duo do such a killer job on this tune that no other even rocks as well. Keep a sharp eye out for T.E. Smith as the granny (he's the ex-bandleader from SNL). **

** 2nd Best Version: Herb Alpert and Tijuana Brass **

11) BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE - ZOOEY DESCHANEL AND LEON REDBONE

** Argue all you want about how Redbone's voice tends to flood over Zooey's, I could care less. She sings like a 40's-era angel and he's, well, Leon damn Redbone! Oh, and In case you have been living under a rock for the past five years, this is from the ELF soundtrack. **

** 2nd Best Version: A tie - Rainn Wilson and Selma Blair for the humor or Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan **

10) AVE MARIA - CHRIS CORNELL

** Chris Cornell is the ex- frontman for Soundgarden and Audio Slave which automatically gives him a musical ass-kicking license for whichever Christmas song he so chooses. Surprisingly, for the Very Special Christmas Vol. 3 album, Cornell chose one of the most difficult songs to croon, and he absolutely blows it up. **

** 2nd Best Version: Jessye Norman **

9) RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER - DEAN MARTIN

** There was no doubt that Dean Martin was a drink loving ladies man and put forth every bit of that into his music (see: Mombo Italiano just for laughs). So, having the Rat Packer do Rudolph -a bit of a chintzy tune in and of itself- really tongue-in-cheek was an obvious choice. **

** 2nd Best Version: Ray Charles **

8) OH HOLY NIGHT - JOSH GROBAN

** I could care less if my Granfather was dating the mother of the head of Warner Brother's records where Josh Groban is kept under lock and key (and he really is, too... seriously) I still wouldn't normally like Josh Groban. That being said, he does have a great voice and his take on this Christian Classic is just shy of perfect. **

** 2nd Best Version: Michael Crawford (Yeah, the Phantom...) **

7) WINTER WONDERLAND - ANNIE LENNOX

** This is another of those awsome artist-heavy Christmas tunes from the Very Special... Collection. This time, it's off the first one. I really like Annie Lennox and her voice is just so solidly modern mixed with haunting etherealism. So perfect for this otherwise dull holiday tune. **

** 2nd Best Version: Jason Mraz **

6) THE CHRISTMAS SONG - NAT KING COLE

** There's really little need to elaborate as this has become the quintessential version of this song. **

** 2nd Best Version: Ricky Nelson **

5) IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS - BING CROSBY

** Der Bingle is another of those classic artists who put solidly his mark on Christmas music. There's a decent chance that at least 2 out of every 10 holiday tunes you hear were sung by Bing Crosby and this just might be his most famous. **

** 2nd Best Version: Perry Como has quite the hysterical take. Trust me. **

4) ROCKIN' AROUD THE CHRISTMAS TREE - BRENDA LEE

** Yet again we see one of those versions of this song that, if done by someone else, scarcely holds a candle to Miss Lee's. It's almost as though this tune was written for her and I defy anyone who dare step up to... well, step up. Right. **

** 2nd Best Version: Mercy Me. Yep, and it's a Christian Rock band. Kinda odd. **

3) I SAW MOMMY KISSIN' SANTA CLAUS - JOHN MELLENCAMP

** This is one of those Christmas songs you grow up on singing for your Elementary School Holiday Programs: it's not great, per se, but it's cute and hell, it really rocks when Mellencamp takes it on. **

** 2nd Best Version: The Ronettes **

2) SILVER BELLS - JOHN DENVER

** Now don't let me hear you start hating on John Denver or I will go Rocky Mountain High on your candy cane ass... believe me! John Denver just had one of those unmistakable voices that added just something happy to all of his songs. **

** 2nd Best Version: Neil Diamond sounding an awful lot like Will Ferrell... hmm. **

1) IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR - ANDY WILLIAMS

** In my humble opinion, there is NO other version of this song. To me, and many others I've heard from, this song, more than any other, summarizes the entire Holiday Season in one, tight, 3-minute Lounge Song. Andy Williams is the man. He OWNS this tune, and all others bow at his greatness. Nuff said. **

** 2nd Best Version: Harry Connick Jr. **

 

THE TOP 10 CHRISTMAS THEMED TREATS

Every year for the Holidays, standard, run-of-the-mill products get their special Christmas make-overs and become something just a little bit more festive. Now for this list's purpose I'm not talking about foods that come out just for Christmas on their own like candy canes, Christmas wreath cookies, Christmas candies, and the like. No, these items already have a standard that's out all year long, these just get the pretty packaging and Holiday shapes or flavors. So, in an attempt to locate as many of these particular products as I could to fill a top 10, I ran into a bit of a SNAFU. It seems it's more difficult than you might otherwise think to find decent pics of this stuff on the web. So, instead, I hopped on down to our local Wal-Mart and actually snapped a couple photos on my own rather stealthy-like. I was a little worried that some vested buffoon might apprehend me and I'd have to sputter out some nonsense story about being an undercover Wal-Mart secret exec or some shit. But I didn't, and I kept my secret snapping to myself. Well, with that, here's the list. YUM!

10) MCDONALD'S EGG NOG SHAKE

** I really wish I could find something good to say about this mess, but I just can't stomach dairy and poultry blended into a fluid custard. Gack! Be that as it may, this particular item is a hugely popular twist on Mickey Dee's standard shake flavors and really does a fine job of representing the Holiday much the same way as their equally wretched Shamrock Shake. Vile. **

9) STARBUCKS HOLIDAY FLAVORED COFFEE BEVERAGE GIFT PACK OF DOOM

** You know it's nearly Christmas when Starbuck's Coffee Monopoly Conglomerate introduces its bevy of holiday flavors like ginger bread, cinnamon, candy cane, and Bits O' Rudolph. You too can own the deliciousness for your very own for the mere pittance of one month's salary. Enjoy! **

8) HOLIDAY CLUB SNACK STICKS

** This is one of the pictures I took in the store so please excuse the little flash point in the center. Anyway, it appears that these Club snacks are pretty much the same thing that they always are, just with a nice Holiday box including a cute little red bow and some Christmasy sparkles to boot. Yum, Crisp-Mas! **

7) PEEPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

** Remember back a dozen years ago or so when Peeps were just an Easter product so named for their little chick design? Yeah, well then they inundated every freakin' Holiday like like some kind of marshmallow mold. Seriously, check out the Peeps web site HERE to really experience their take over. So, as you can see, these demon mallow spawn are pretty much always available, therefore have an inclusion in this list. Besides, those Gingerbread Men are really damn cute. **

6) CHRISTMAS AND COCA COLA: A HOLIDAY STANDARD

** I would likely be chastised for not including Coke on this list since it's a well known fact that the design for the company's Santa has pretty much become the gold standard for how he looks to everyone. It is assumed that whomever designed Santa did so for Coke making his red and white get-up match the logo color scheme. Well, whether or not that's true is beyond me, but, regardless, Santa adorns Coke's stuff from November through February. Ho Ho Ho! **

5) WHO DOESN'T THINK CHRISTMAS WHEN YOU'RE EATING POP TARTS?

** For the first time this year, Kellogg's has introduced not only a Christmas-flavored Pop Tart, but also gift-like packaging including TO and FROM spots and a bow. Look, I can dig wanting to dress up your food stuff for the Holiday, but if anyone ever gave me a Pop Tart for Christmas, I'd have kicked their ass. Holiday style. **

4) LITTLE DEBBIE LOOKS CHILLY

** Each and every year, Little Debbie releases several cakes, brownies, and donut flavors that feature seasonal seasonings like cherry cordial, cinnamon, and sparkly Holiday sugar. Beyond that, they've re-molded many of their cakes into Christmas Trees! Now that's brilliant! I've included two pictures for this one because, frankly, I thoroughly enjoy both of these. NOM! **

3) THE INFAMOUS JONES SODA HOLIDAY GIFT PACK

** Say, that looks yummy: sugar plum! Can't go too wrong there. Okay, so, egg nog... yeah, that makes sense. Wait, does that say 'Christmas Tree'? So, what, pine? Eww... And, finally -well, this one has to be good, right?- Christmas Ham. Ham. In a bottle. Hmm... **

2) OREO PLUS CANDY CANE CREME = AWESOME

** Oreos are the nation's best-selling cookie. Seriously, look it up. So, what could possibly top their already amazing flavors such as: Double Stuff, Mint, Chocolate Creme, and Fudge? Well, I'll tell you: Candy Cane. Oh. Sweet. LORD that sounds like a little disc of Heaven right there. **

I forgot this pic a second ago. Sorry. Oh, and It's one of mine. OOH!

1) THE CAP'N DONS A SANTA SUIT FOR THE HOLIDAY

** That's right, the number one has got to be Christmas Crunch from the fine folks at the Capn' Crunch factory. Each box contains three essential Christmas shapes: trees, stars, and Santa hats! Oh, and little balls supposedly representing either ornaments or rabbit turds. I sincerely hope it's the former. Oh, and I've tossed in a commercial for your Holiday pleasure. Cool! **

THE 12 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME

Well, kiddies, here we are with the first of many wonderful Christmas-themed lists to make all of your holidays shine just that much brighter! Now, what would the modern Christmas spectacle be without the slew of Christmas songs inundating the air waves with new ones popping up every year to meld like chocolate and tomatoes with the ones we already have. Oh sure, I LOVE me some Christmas music and, in fact, I'll begin listening to it right after Halloween when a local radio station here begins its round-the-clock coverage of the classics. However, not every song can be a John Cougar-sung 'I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus' or a Gayla Peevey-chirped 'I want a hippopotamus for Christmas'- no sir. Most Christmas songs are wonderful and right on with making one feel festive and gay, but there are those dozen - much akin to this dozen right here - that just make your poor ears bleed and the sinister urge to kick a puppy rise in your craw. So, without further ado, on with the punishment!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS MERRY CHRISTMAS FELIZ NAVIDAD JOYOUS NOEL

12) LITTLE DRUMMER BOY (DAVID BOWIE AND BING CROSBY - 1977)

-- Having nothing personally against either of these two phenomenal artists and crooners, I was taken aback as though I was pelted with an iceball at the sour, horrid, uncomfortable mess this song is. First off, Bowie looks as though he's just gotten back from a Ziggy Stardust performance while good old Bing appears like a Marley-esque reanimated corpse. So sad, really. --

11) A CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER (DOLLY PARTON AND KENNY ROGERS - 1984)

-- Why, Gambler, why? Just incorporating the lyric, 'strangers meet and willingly surrender' is grounds enough for a lifetime prison sentence. Again, the standard pairings of these two (see: Islands In The Stream) are only slightly less nauseating, but this wretched medley by two folks who have since begun looking like luggage is almost too painful to listen to. --

10) 8 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (DESTINY'S CHILD - 2001)

-- Where to even begin with this commercialized pile of shit. I can stomach a bit of rap here and there, when the context is right, but trying to cram it into an already pointless Christmas song begging for her baby to give her a 'diamond belly ring' actually creates the flavor of vomit in my mouth. Oh sure, the ladies are attractive, and we all know Beyonce has gone on to physically crush these other two footnotes, but that is no excuse for belting shit in a harmless toy store. Bitches. --

9) CHRISTMAS CONGA (CINDY LAUPER - 1998)

-- Okay, first of all Cindy Lauper's voice (in this instance as well as many, many others) sounds like someone blending a cat. Couple that with the fact that no one -NO ONE- needs to learn or do a Christmas conga for any reason. Period. 'Bonga bonga bonga' your head against the wall. Yeah, I said it. --

8) MERRY CHRISTMAS WITH LOVE (CLAY AIKEN - 2004)

-- Before any one of you get the incorrect impression that I included this song as some kind of gay bash to Mr. Aiken here can grow the fuck up. I did, however, include it for the simple fact that it sucks a whole bunch of ass. No pun intended. Sorry. Picture Rick Astley oozing cheese and shit at the same time while mewing about the holiday and you have this disaster. --

7) PLEASE DADDY, DON'T GET DRUNK TONIGHT (JOHN DENVER - 1975)

-- I will be the first to stand up and admit that I love me some John Denver: 'Thank God I'm A Country Boy' is sick! Also, it must be noted that he often claimed this song was a joke and would, with a tongue in cheek, sing it live often. Be all that as it may, it is such a stupid, stupid song that any excuse to claim it as a joke or not makes little difference. Wow, just so horrible. --

6) DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS (BAND AID - 1984)

-- I have nothing against a large collection of uber-wealthy musicians gathering together to sing for a good cause. I did indeed own the 45 of 'We Are The World' when it came out and played the shit out of it while I memorized the damn thing. However, much to the chagrin of many people's ears, Band Aid decided to record this tinsel-coated shitty Yule Log featuring quite possibly the worst lyric in history: 'Just be glad it's them instead of you!'. Bono, that deserves a lump of coal... upside your head! -- 

5) YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH (JIM CARREY - 2000)

-- As you can plainly see this is NOT the classic from the animated masterpiece sung by everyone's favorite Kellogg Tiger, Thurl Ravenscroft. Oh no, this is the murdering belched out by Jim Carrey from the Grinch movie. The worst part about this is the simple fact that I really do like the film: it's got some awesome one liners, and Carrey is a great Grinch. The BEST part (and I struggled just to find IT) is the way he says, 'You heart's an empty HOO-ooole!'. That part I'll concede. The rest? Not so much. --

4) LAST CHRISTMAS (WHAM - 1984)

-- 'Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day... YOU GAVE IT AWAY.' Good LORD. Once again we see a really cool and quite popular band (George Michael and {trivia answer} Andrew Ridgley) sorrowfully cackling about how their Christmas love screwed them a day later. Here's some advise: next time give you love to someone else besides a hooker. Dumb ass. --

3) BLUE CHRISTMAS (ELVIS PRESLEY - 1953 AND PORKY PIG - 1999)

-- The only, and I do mean the ONLY time this song is worth listening to is in the animated classic, A Year Without Santa Claus (yes, the one with the Heat and Cold Misers) when the kids sing it about the loss of Santa. Besides that, it sucks each and every time. I honestly could not care any less if you are an Elvis fan (he's dead, by the way) or not, his version sounds like someone crushing Rudolph's nuts. And don't get me started on the Porky version also included here to make you ill. So not funny any more. --

2) ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH (SPIKE JONES - 1949)

-- Yes, yes, I know that this song is intended to be a funny tune meant for kids and blah friggin blah. I just need something else to include in this list that punishes my senses every year. Oh, and to butter you up a bit before I delve headlong into the number one. Spike Jones and His City Slickers have been around since about forever and have given us such classics as 'The Man on the Flying Trapeze', 'Yes, We Have No Bananas', and 'Der Fuhrers Face'. My grandma bought me a tape of these guys once and I played the crap out of it. I first heard this song in grade school years ago and didn't even find it amusing then. Blah. --

1) THE CHRISTMAS SHOES (NEWSONG - 1996)

-- The country seems to be divided on this song each claiming that either it's the most touching tune on Earth, or else it's a holiday punishment written by Satan himself. Wait... Santa: Satan... Hmmmm. Anyway, I happen to fit snugly into the second group consisting of those wanting to track down each and every copy of this song and launch them into the sun. I have to, as a knee-jerk reaction, turn the volume all the way down when this stink burger comes on the radio. Unless, that is, my wife is in the room or car. She loves this song. So, there ya go. --