THE 12 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME

Well, kiddies, here we are with the first of many wonderful Christmas-themed lists to make all of your holidays shine just that much brighter! Now, what would the modern Christmas spectacle be without the slew of Christmas songs inundating the air waves with new ones popping up every year to meld like chocolate and tomatoes with the ones we already have. Oh sure, I LOVE me some Christmas music and, in fact, I'll begin listening to it right after Halloween when a local radio station here begins its round-the-clock coverage of the classics. However, not every song can be a John Cougar-sung 'I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus' or a Gayla Peevey-chirped 'I want a hippopotamus for Christmas'- no sir. Most Christmas songs are wonderful and right on with making one feel festive and gay, but there are those dozen - much akin to this dozen right here - that just make your poor ears bleed and the sinister urge to kick a puppy rise in your craw. So, without further ado, on with the punishment!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS MERRY CHRISTMAS FELIZ NAVIDAD JOYOUS NOEL

12) LITTLE DRUMMER BOY (DAVID BOWIE AND BING CROSBY - 1977)

-- Having nothing personally against either of these two phenomenal artists and crooners, I was taken aback as though I was pelted with an iceball at the sour, horrid, uncomfortable mess this song is. First off, Bowie looks as though he's just gotten back from a Ziggy Stardust performance while good old Bing appears like a Marley-esque reanimated corpse. So sad, really. --

11) A CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER (DOLLY PARTON AND KENNY ROGERS - 1984)

-- Why, Gambler, why? Just incorporating the lyric, 'strangers meet and willingly surrender' is grounds enough for a lifetime prison sentence. Again, the standard pairings of these two (see: Islands In The Stream) are only slightly less nauseating, but this wretched medley by two folks who have since begun looking like luggage is almost too painful to listen to. --

10) 8 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (DESTINY'S CHILD - 2001)

-- Where to even begin with this commercialized pile of shit. I can stomach a bit of rap here and there, when the context is right, but trying to cram it into an already pointless Christmas song begging for her baby to give her a 'diamond belly ring' actually creates the flavor of vomit in my mouth. Oh sure, the ladies are attractive, and we all know Beyonce has gone on to physically crush these other two footnotes, but that is no excuse for belting shit in a harmless toy store. Bitches. --

9) CHRISTMAS CONGA (CINDY LAUPER - 1998)

-- Okay, first of all Cindy Lauper's voice (in this instance as well as many, many others) sounds like someone blending a cat. Couple that with the fact that no one -NO ONE- needs to learn or do a Christmas conga for any reason. Period. 'Bonga bonga bonga' your head against the wall. Yeah, I said it. --

8) MERRY CHRISTMAS WITH LOVE (CLAY AIKEN - 2004)

-- Before any one of you get the incorrect impression that I included this song as some kind of gay bash to Mr. Aiken here can grow the fuck up. I did, however, include it for the simple fact that it sucks a whole bunch of ass. No pun intended. Sorry. Picture Rick Astley oozing cheese and shit at the same time while mewing about the holiday and you have this disaster. --

7) PLEASE DADDY, DON'T GET DRUNK TONIGHT (JOHN DENVER - 1975)

-- I will be the first to stand up and admit that I love me some John Denver: 'Thank God I'm A Country Boy' is sick! Also, it must be noted that he often claimed this song was a joke and would, with a tongue in cheek, sing it live often. Be all that as it may, it is such a stupid, stupid song that any excuse to claim it as a joke or not makes little difference. Wow, just so horrible. --

6) DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS (BAND AID - 1984)

-- I have nothing against a large collection of uber-wealthy musicians gathering together to sing for a good cause. I did indeed own the 45 of 'We Are The World' when it came out and played the shit out of it while I memorized the damn thing. However, much to the chagrin of many people's ears, Band Aid decided to record this tinsel-coated shitty Yule Log featuring quite possibly the worst lyric in history: 'Just be glad it's them instead of you!'. Bono, that deserves a lump of coal... upside your head! -- 

5) YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH (JIM CARREY - 2000)

-- As you can plainly see this is NOT the classic from the animated masterpiece sung by everyone's favorite Kellogg Tiger, Thurl Ravenscroft. Oh no, this is the murdering belched out by Jim Carrey from the Grinch movie. The worst part about this is the simple fact that I really do like the film: it's got some awesome one liners, and Carrey is a great Grinch. The BEST part (and I struggled just to find IT) is the way he says, 'You heart's an empty HOO-ooole!'. That part I'll concede. The rest? Not so much. --

4) LAST CHRISTMAS (WHAM - 1984)

-- 'Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day... YOU GAVE IT AWAY.' Good LORD. Once again we see a really cool and quite popular band (George Michael and {trivia answer} Andrew Ridgley) sorrowfully cackling about how their Christmas love screwed them a day later. Here's some advise: next time give you love to someone else besides a hooker. Dumb ass. --

3) BLUE CHRISTMAS (ELVIS PRESLEY - 1953 AND PORKY PIG - 1999)

-- The only, and I do mean the ONLY time this song is worth listening to is in the animated classic, A Year Without Santa Claus (yes, the one with the Heat and Cold Misers) when the kids sing it about the loss of Santa. Besides that, it sucks each and every time. I honestly could not care any less if you are an Elvis fan (he's dead, by the way) or not, his version sounds like someone crushing Rudolph's nuts. And don't get me started on the Porky version also included here to make you ill. So not funny any more. --

2) ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH (SPIKE JONES - 1949)

-- Yes, yes, I know that this song is intended to be a funny tune meant for kids and blah friggin blah. I just need something else to include in this list that punishes my senses every year. Oh, and to butter you up a bit before I delve headlong into the number one. Spike Jones and His City Slickers have been around since about forever and have given us such classics as 'The Man on the Flying Trapeze', 'Yes, We Have No Bananas', and 'Der Fuhrers Face'. My grandma bought me a tape of these guys once and I played the crap out of it. I first heard this song in grade school years ago and didn't even find it amusing then. Blah. --

1) THE CHRISTMAS SHOES (NEWSONG - 1996)

-- The country seems to be divided on this song each claiming that either it's the most touching tune on Earth, or else it's a holiday punishment written by Satan himself. Wait... Santa: Satan... Hmmmm. Anyway, I happen to fit snugly into the second group consisting of those wanting to track down each and every copy of this song and launch them into the sun. I have to, as a knee-jerk reaction, turn the volume all the way down when this stink burger comes on the radio. Unless, that is, my wife is in the room or car. She loves this song. So, there ya go. --