THE TOP 13 HORROR MOVIE WEAPONRY

The stunning truth is that most, if not all, well known and heavily favored horror movie 'killers' (and I use that term a bit loosely, you'll see why in a second) are ultimately defined by not only how they destroy, but also by the implement with which they exact their slaughter. Not getting it? Ok, for instance: When I say Freddy Krueger, what's the first image that pops into your head... aside from bloody gore and a rapier wit. Yes, his razor-fingered gloves! It's like Sinatra said in his Love and Marriage song: 'you can't have one without the other.' Now, before I said horror movie 'killers', but unfortunately, even though this person is doing the killing, he is not necessarily the antagonist. Hell, in these films, even the 'hero' needs to get the good whacks in a time or two just to show the wicked hordes who they're messing with. So, here we have the top 13 horror movie weapons, each and every one so firmly connected to its respective owner as to go 'hand in hand'. It's a joke. Bah, whatever.





13) CANDYMAN - THE RUSTY, NASTY HOOK









Tony Todd has become one of horror-dom's most well know faces, as well as voices. His portrayal of hell-spawn Candyman, summoned by repeating his name five times in the mirror, not only wields his gory hook jammed ever-so uncomfortably into his right arm stump, but also the classic and infamous 'mouth-o'-bees'. Now one has to wonder, with one, isn't the other just a shade unnecessary? I guess not. Bees are awfully slow and unpredictable while a filthy hook does the job up right nicely.




12) SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE - THE DRILL









Man alive! For YouTube being such a purveyor of non-nudity, this trailer from Slumber Party Massacre sure has an awful lot of breasts in it. Anyway... wait, I can't just leave that. You NEVER see previews like this anymore, anywhere! Goodness! Ok, so our killer here, by the way in a slasher movie written by a Woman's Rights Activist (a lady, dimwits), sports the latest in power drill technology and wields it like a chainsaw, ie: slashing, cutting, and otherwise doing things a drill normally doesn't do. And that's why it's cool.




11) SAW - JIGSAW'S SHARP, TORTUROUS IMPLEMENTS








Though rolling on into 'out of control' territory with yet another film in the Saw series with part 5 opening next week, I have to admit, as originality goes, they've done pretty damn good so far. The overall story generally makes little difference how convoluted it gets, it's always the torture devices and wicked traps Jigsaw uses that really pour on the blood and guts. I chose this scene because that head contraption always bothered me, coupled quite nicely with the fact that the guy with the key in his gut was still alive. Nice.




10) SWEENEY TODD - STRAIGHT RAZOR









Though not widely promoted as a horror film per se, it is indeed a bloody little slash fest that fits quite nicely in my list, thanks very much. Tim Burton spared nothing on the gore, that's for sure, and the film itself is brilliant indeed. In this wonderful YouTube clip I found, someone was kind enough to wrap all the kills together in a neat little package! Oh, and I get to watch Depp beat the snot out of, and, ultimately slaughter Sacha Cohen... that's quality film making!




9) PHANTASM - THE BALL









Angus Scrimm (award winner for best name EVER) as the Tall Man in the Phantasm series (five, by the way) is as sinister and creepy as they come. Not one to over use tools for his menacing terrorizing, the Tall Man will, however, often employ a sphere with any number of wicked Swiss Army-like attachments at his disposal. As you can see in this trailer, the dual blades are a nice touch, but it also comes well equipped with a drill bit and a corkscrew! I'll take 10!




8) THE RING - A POSSESSED VHS TAPE









Ok, calling this a 'weapon' is a bit of a stretch. I suppose, if you want to get technical, the tape is the 'vehicle' in which resides the restless spirit of Samara who, in all actuality, is the one who does the killing. Happy? Well anyway, the movie is based, quite faithfully, on Japan's Ringu and is, in my opinion, every bit as good. Naomi Watts basically steals it, with Samara and her creepy-ass self coming in a close second. Good scares in this one.




7) THE BURNING - CROPSY AND THE HEDGE CLIPPERS









Yeah, yeah, so I used this movie in two back-two-back lists, sue me. As weaponry goes, however, not including Cropsy and his garden shears would have been a crying shame and I'd have been ridiculed by everyone, not the lest of which being my buddy, Doug. Though the raft massacre scene is the most well known (see last list), I included the very cool trailer this time. Those are SHARP!




6) THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE - LEATHERFACE AND HIS CHAINSAW









Not giving Leatherface his chainsaw would really have made the title to this titular horror film pointless and stupid. Sure, throughout he does employ such tools as hooks and a hammer, but when he revs up his saw, it's all about to go very, very badly. The end scene where he just wigs out flinging his saw all over the place, for some reason, still scares the crap out of me. Just imagine seeing that guy out in the middle of nowhere! Whether he's chasing you with a chainsaw or a spatula, he's pretty damn creepy.




5) HELLRAISER - PINHEAD'S CHAIN COLLECTION








Not JUST chains, mind you, but chains with hooks and razor wire thrown in just for laughs! Yes, Pinhead is one sadistic fellow. Inventive and ever so creative, if he's not the epitome of what Satan is, or even a decent visage of Norse evil-doer, Loki, I'm not sure who is. This clip is from Hellraiser III and I chose it because it really illustrates how Mr. Pinhead here goes about his daily routine of turning a packed building full of patrons into a slaughterhouse. Wow.




4) DEAD ALIVE - LIONEL'S LAWNMOWER









Here's a great example of the weapon and the wielder in question not doing the killing for nefarious purposes. Lionel here has a houseful of unwanted zombie guests. Asking them to leave just wouldn't be proper, in fact, it's downright rude! The acceptable way to rid your party of the undead is to strap a lawnmower to your person and hack the bunch to slick, drippy little bits. Very effective and the guests will thank you.




3) FRIDAY THE 13TH - JASON LOVES HIS MACHETE









In all actuality, Jason pretty much will hack you to death with whatever's handy. It just so happens that the machete is the most well know. This video is really well done and does a fine job of showing off Jason's many talents with such brutal killing implements as axes, spears, harpoon guns, and, of course, machetes. Such a professional!




2) A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET - FREDDY'S FOUR FINGERS









Freddy is one inventive dude. In fact, comparing him to the Bugs Bunny of the horror world wouldn't be too much of a stretch. Especially after parts 1 and 2, where he almost exclusively uses his glove as his primary means of dispatching his prey. Later on, he uses the tools necessary to frighten his victims the most: motorcycles, video games, syringes, television... you name it, he'll find a way to end you with it. So, whether or not he's actually slaughtering you with his bladed glove, he'll never be caught dead without it. HA!




1) THE EVIL DEAD - ASH: A MAN WITH A BOOMSTICK AND CHAINSAW HAND









It's official: No one is cooler than Bruce Campbell. From this scene forward, Ash exacts his revenge with these two weapons in tow all over some Deadite ass. Groovy.