THE TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER

Well, the proverbial 'Most Wonderful Time Of The Year' has come to a screeching halt. And as I stand back and survey the collected sundry of once-wrapped detritus, I sigh once again at the amazement of my family's survival (well, my wife and I anyway) of five separate but equal Christmases. But now, as all good things' ultimate fate: it has come to an end. And yet, I must pause and reflect at many reasons aside from Christmas survival as a whole that mark the demise of yet another successful gift giving season.

10) TV CHRISTMAS SPECIALS AND 24-HOUR RADIO MUSIC BLOCKS CEASE TO EXIST

Finally, after months of 'The Grinch', 'The Santa Claus', 'Jingle Bells', and 'All I Want For Christmas', the specials have crawled back into their holly-jolly crypts for another year. Sure, those straggler commercials and ads for Holiday crap still hang on tenuously for another week or so, but for the most part, we can breathe a collective sigh of relief of not having to watch another showing of 'Scrooged'.

9) I DON'T THINK WE GOT THIS MUCH CANDY ON HALLOWEEN

If your families are anything like mine, you're already swimming in red-and-green chocolates, candy canes in a plethora of fruit flavors, and enough Holiday cookies to choke a horse. Now add in the possibility that you, like me, have half a half dozen of children with each of them receiving a basket-load of sweets and you've got enough goodies to cover you till next Christmas! Minty!

8) SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED AND BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED

No, I am not referring to film titles here, but rather the fact that all of those cool toys I alerted the cornucopia of relations to add to their masses of holiday lists now have to be put together. Don't get me wrong, I love sitting down with my son and building his LEGO sets. However, when he has the attention span of a measuring cup, it more or less boils down to me making his castle and battle ships. And then he asks me to play. Oh could I?

7) TIS THE SEASON FOR THE MENAGERIE OF COLLEGE BOWL GAMES

You know it's the post-Christmas Bowl Week when every lame-titled BCS match-up is rolling non-stop on ESPN. I'm relatively certain that the only remaining titles unused are Salad Bowl and Toilet Bowl. Be that as it may -since I'm watching the Alamo Bowl as I write this- I really enjoy each and all as I am a huge College Football fan. Oh, and unless you're from my particular chunk of South West Michigan, you will be unable to catch my Western Michigan Broncos in the Texas Bowl tomorrow, so HA HA!

6) THAT MAY VERY WELL BE THE MOST HIDEOUS SWEATER ON THE PLANET

I'm so glad that my grandmother not only doesn't read my blog, but couldn't successfully operate a computer at gunpoint, because she bought my wife perhaps the most God Awful sweater set since the invention of yarn. Now, this presents two major problems. First off, it's way to big as my hot hot hotty wife is not even close to this size. Secondly, it looks as though my grandmother bought it for herself and just thought, perhaps under the influence of liquor, that my wife ought to have it instead... if you understand my meaning. Now I'm not saying all this to sound mean, but really... just look at the picture. Yeesh!

5) SO WHERE DID YOUR TRANSFORMER'S ARM GO?

I'll freely cop to the fact that I am guilty as heck for causing this problem. Our children got many toys from many people that are basically constructed from individual bits of loose plastic and once they're played with for five seconds those tiny bits go launching off in various directions forever lost to the universe. I can practically guarantee you that we'll never see that LEGO guy's helmet or Starscream's shoulder for the rest of our lives.

4) I WISH CHRISTMAS TREES WERE MORE LIKE UMBRELLAS...

Once the first of the year rolls around next week, it's going to finally be time to gather up and hide away all of this nauseating Christmas shit for another 350 days. Isn't it amazing how, at first, decorating your home with enough Holiday cheer to gag Santa himself seems like such a great idea, but one day after Christmas you want nothing more than to set it all on fire in an effigy on your front lawn?

3) ONCE AGAIN IT'S TIME TO PROMISE YOURSELF SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER DO

Many people try to come up with some way to better themselves for the coming year by resolving to do or not to do something. Gonna quit smoking? Need to lose fifteen pounds by March? Want to stop eating mayonnaise right from the jar? Well, then it's time for your New Year's Resolution. However don't be too surprised if you're still sucking down Camels come April.

2) I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE END OF JANUARY

The post-holiday blues have nothing on the fact that tax time is creeping up really soon. I happen to enjoy this time of year since the family always ends up with a few thousand dollars we can always use to pay bills. And by 'pat bills' I of course mean buy a whole bunch of shit we don't necessarily need. Yay Government money!

1) LIVING IN MICHIGAN AFTER CHRISTMAS MAKES ONE REMEMBER THAT WINTER HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN

Though the first day of winter last week comes and goes as meaningless for the lower half of the map, for us here in the Great White North, it's more of a harbinger of the arctic days to come. We got absolutely pounded with snow just before the Holiday and then, this past Saturday, it hit 60 here and melted everything flooding the city with dirty slush and drowning snowmen. But, as we here all know, that was only a warning: winter here clings firmly till about April. Good thing I bought a shovel.