THE TOP 10 FICTIONAL CEREALS

Hey! It's Friday again... right? Or, Tuesday. You know, when a good list idea pops into your head, you just can't deny its tractor-beam-like pull and you just have to give in. So, as I was sittin' here yesterday arbitrarily wandering through some web sites muttering to myself about the poor state of candy these days, when it dawned on me that I really ought to do another cereal list! Then, it became apparent that I had pretty much clobbered that horse to a bloody pulp... or had I? Nope (to answer my own question), I hadn't. In fact, it seems that there are a plethora of phony cereals from television shows, movies, comics, and various other media ripe for the picking! So, I located ten, and I was off and running. Enjoy!


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10) GREAT WHITE BITES - PLANET TERROR





Yeah, I have no picture or video for this one which is a crying shame since it's such a great scene in the Rodriguez-half of the movie. The little boy, who (*SPOILER*) dies later in the film, is shown munching down on this cereal just before both of his parents go ape-shit for vastly different reasons. Great flick. Oh, it was a blue box with a giant shark on the front.




9) OAT BOATS -FULL HOUSE







I believe the clip says it all, but just in case you don't recall: DJ and Steph have an argument over who will ultimately star in the 'Oat Boats' TV ad. Ah, classic Full House... is anything more depressing? No.




8) ADMIRAL CRUNCH & ARCHDUKE CHOCULA - FUTURAMA









From Episode 2: 'The Series has Landed', Fry is still a bit shaken after his arrival in the year 3001 and is caught off guard by the newer styles of his favorite cereal brands that Leela introduces him to.



7) QUARRY - SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE






Well, it seems old SNL skits are nearly impossible to find on YouTube or the like, and that sucks a whole basket of ass. Well, regardless, I found a few pic's of this classic commercial parody. Oh, and here's the transcript:

Jingle: "This world's a-changing faster than a teardrop turns to laughter
But some things never change, and they're the things that really matter.
Like weather vanes and country lanes, where crickets chirp at night
And breakfast in the early morning starts your day off right."

[ cut to interior farmhouse kitchen table, breakfast time ]

Farmwife: Out here on the farm, breakfast is our most important meal. That's why we start each day the natural way. With a big brimming bowl.. of Quarry. [ shows product ]

[ family members pour the rocks from the box into their bowls ]

Farmwife: Quarry contains no preservatives, no additives, no artificial flavoring. And it's made without the use of pesticides or inorganic fertilizer. Because Quarry isn't grown; it's mined. It's the only cereal that's pure 100% rocks and pebbles, for a hearty old-fashioned flavor the whole family will enjoy.

[ flash cuts of family "chewing" on the rocks in their bowls ]

Son: Great, Mom!

Farmer: This is really good.

Daughter: Delicious!

Farmwife: And it's good for them. Because every serving is chockful of minerals.

Daughter: I like Quarry 'cause it's crunchy.

Farmwife: What?

Daughter: [ louder ] I said, I like Quarry 'cause it's crunchy!

Farmwife: So, if breakfast is important to you, try Quarry.

Jingle: "Like swimmin' holes and brimmin' bowls
of cereal made from stone.

Announcer: Quarry. Better tasting 'cause it's mined.





6) KRUSTY O'S - THE SIMPSONS





Krusty-O's is a brand of breakfast cereal endorsed by Krusty the Clown which prominently features his likeness on the box. The real KrustyO's, sold by 7 Eleven, were produced by the Malt-O-Meal corporation. Krusty-Brand Cereal is the catalyst for the episode "'Round Springfield", when Bart swallows a "jagged metal Krusty-O" included in the box as a premium and is sent to the hospital. Later in the episode when Krusty holds a press conference to show that swallowing the jagged metal Krusty-O isn't dangerous, he immediately begins to gag before he is informed he swallowed a "regular" Krusty-O, which he claims must be "poison". At the end of the episode, another box of Krusty-O's is shown with the promotion: "Flesh-Eating Bacteria In Every Box!"




5) SUGAR FROSTED MILK - REN AND STIMPY

Ren & Stimpy - Sugar Frosted Milk | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Ah yes, classic Ren and Stimpy. Oh sure, I could have gone with Powdered Toast Man, but I was always partial to this wacky ad. I love when the six or seven cereal bits drown in the lumps with screams of agony. Too funny.




4) CHOCOLATE FROSTED SUGAR BOMBS - CALVIN AND HOBBES






Many a strip from Bill Waterson's eponymous strip focused on what was in and could potentially be earned with the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Sickeningly sweet yet somehow full of fortified vitamins. Calvin managed to earn a beanie, which he promptly broke followed immediately by getting bored with for its lack of flying ability.



3) NIGGA PLEASE CEREAL - THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW






I do believe even trying to comment on this could possibly get me into serious trouble. So just watch, and laugh while looking around just to make sure it's OK.




2) COLON BLOW - SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE





Oh yes, another of the classic SNL ad skits. I happen to like this one better than Quarry, possibly because Phil Hartman does it so damn deadpan. Either way, here's the transcript:

Announcer: Hold it! Is that what you’re having for breakfast?

Man: Sure, haven't you heard? Fiber is really good for you.

Announcer: Well, there's fiber, and then there's high fiber. Try this.

[ offstage hands replace cereal box with Colon Blow cereal box ]

Man: Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?

Announcer: Take a guess: How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Man: Two?

Announcer: Guess again.

Man: Three?

Announcer: A little higher.

Man: Four?

Announcer: Keep trying.

Man: Five?

Announcer: No, you'll have to do better than that.

Man: Seven?

Announcer: Guess again.

Man: Eight?

Announcer: We'll give you one more guess.

Man: Nine.

Announcer: Not even close. [ table starts shaking ] It would take over 30,000 bowls. [ a giant pyramid of cereal bowls shoots up from under the man, who yells in terror as it rises ] To eat that much oat bran, you'd have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.

Man: [ after the pyramid settles; shouts from afar ] Wow! I think I get the picture! Colon Blow must be the highest fiber cereal the market!

Announcer: Not any more, now that there's new Super Colon Blow.

Man: Super Colon Blow?

[ pyramid rises even higher with the man screaming ]

Announcer: It would take over two and a half million bowls of your oat bran cereal to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.

[ pyramid settles ]

Man: [ overwhelmed ]I'm convinced! [ looks down the pyramid in panic ]

[ cut to close-up of bowl with Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow boxes ]

Jingle: "Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning"

Announcer: Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.

Voiceover: Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.

[ fade to black ]




1) WILD REBELS CEREAL - MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000







Obscure? Yup. Does this mean you all should have been instant fans of this classic, amazing, colossal show? Damn right. Worth being number 1? Do you even have to ask?