Yep, long title. But, when it's a list such as this one, there really is no other recourse. Not a night goes by that I don't see at least one exceptionally bizarre commercial featuring someone or another talking at length about some product I really have no interest or desire in listening to or viewing. Products that, when actually purchased, require one to nearly smuggle it out of the store for fear of being pointed at and heartily guffawed to. So, as follows are ten of such ads, a few actually banned from American television, where one could safely assume either the product or actor at hand is being or doing something you'd so rather not see. On with the show.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find an actually Depends ad, but this is damn close. Apparently some old guy wrote to the Gap corporation to see if they'd carry his brand of adult diapers. Now that's some funny shit. Oh, and the very fact that they find it necessary to basically out those with adult onset incontinence by featuring grown up diapers on TV ads is far too uncomfortable for me, thanks.
9) 6 FLAGS
I have no idea who this guy actually is, or was as I understand he's worm farming, but there's just something far too Yoda-meets-Rocky's-Micky about him and that, folks, is fucked up. Oh sure, he's got some sick dance moves, but that does nothing to take away from the fact that he's basically a Spitting Image puppet with a pulse. Or was, I guess...
PS- Burgess Meredith. I knew that one.
8) PEPSI FEATURING MICHAEL JACKSON
Remember this era? Yeah, back when Michael Jackson was tops in the charts, tearing up the music scene, and only just barely scratching the surface of pedophilia? Ah, good times. Oh, and remember that fateful day when, during the take of one of these very ads, Mr. Jackson's sodden nest of a hair-do burst into flames and scarred the guy pretty badly, which made him bat shit crazy for monkeys and young children? Yep. My point is, and I do have one, that watching this ad scares me. Michael Jackson scares me. He's songs fucking rock though, so that's good.
Now here's where the hilarious part comes in: These particular IKEA ads are, without a doubt, kinda disturbing -especially the second one- but they are also damn funny. I laugh every time I see them, and cringe just a bit when the chick gags on the shoe lace. Good stuff.
I'll sum this commercial up in 8 words: This guy has a boner; they're fucking. That pretty much says it all. Most of these E.D. ads are just chock full of far too much information and maintain the premise that being perpetually flacid is no big deal. When, in reality, it makes you far less of a man. Deal with it, pussy.
Oh for fuck sake! Does the general populous need to be embarrassingly made aware of toilet paper dingle berries? My lord! Yes, I have been the unfortunate recipient of bath tissue ass nuggets, but I don't really want to hear about it from a bunch of fuckin' cartoon bears! Bring back Mr. Whipple!
*Sigh* Where to even begin... So now the whole country knows you've got a nasty beaver, way to fuckin' go. All of the TV watching populous has been made completely and unabashedly aware that your twat has some serious freshness issues. Outstanding. I have to go throw up now.
3) DUREX CONDOMS
Banned or no (and it was) this ad is perfect. Just enough to make the older viewers scowl (eg: my grandparents) and folks like me applaud with glee. Outstanding.
2) SPIKE TV
So, I have a daughter that has all the potential of growing up to be a knock out and I am literally fearing the day that I catch some fuckin' scuzzbag ogling her from afar. I will, without remorse or recourse, stomp the shit out of that person, be he neighbor or not. So this here is the very reason why this ad makes me quiver with irritation. And yet, that still-a-man side of me stares just a tad too much. Sorry.
1) CAMPBELL'S SOUP
AHHHHH! I have seen horror movies with less creepy transformation effects! Sweet Walter Peyton, when those wads of melting snow plop off the kid like dripping bits of seared flesh, I just can't help but cringe and pee a little bit. Without fail, this ad is shown each and every winter for a few months and every time its on, no matter how innocent and sweet its intentions are, I'm just a little freaked out. Snowman eating soup... GAHHHH!